If the term “dirty talk” fills you with palpable anxiety, don’t feel too bad — a lot of people feel the same way. Dirty talk is messy business. It’s not easy to be vulnerable, and talking about your sexual fantasies effectively gives your partner a giant, gaping window into your private world. And while your favourite porn stars make it look so easy, when it comes to actually running the show yourself, stage fright is bound to ensue. Fortunately for you, we spoke to a few porn stars to get their tips for taking your bedroom dirty talk to the next level, or at least a notch above wildly awkward and uncomfortable. Here are some tips for how to talk dirty like a porn star.
The Talk Before the Talk
If you’ve never forayed into the world of dirty talk, springing a sexual soliloquy on your partner in the middle of sex can go one of two ways: really well, or really poorly. So it’s usually a good idea to talk about talking beforehand if you’re nervous about throwing that ingredient into the mix.
“You don’t have to go into specifics right away, but figuring out what the comfort level is beforehand and then trying things in the moment is a good way to go,” says former porn star Alison Tyler. “Also, if something didn’t feel right or someone didn’t like something, be honest with your partner. Honesty is the road to better sex.”
A good idea for broaching the subject might be to simply ask your partner if you’re doing everything that she likes in bed. Ask her if she’s satisfied. Ask her to tell you what you could do better. After that, you can tell her that it turns you on to hear her give suggestions, and ask her if maybe she wouldn’t mind incorporating that in the moment. Take it from there and see how it goes.
Simple is Sexy
As with anything sexual, overthinking it is usually the first problem. What we see in TV and the movies is often a highly exaggerated version of reality. And that is especially true when it comes to porn. So while your favourite porn star du jour is monologuing her brains out, you’re sitting there worried that you’ll never be able to remember all those lines when it’s your turn in the spotlight. But rest assured, says Tyler: simple is sexy.
“I feel like most men overthink dirty talk,” she says. “Guys feel so much pressure when it comes to saying the right thing and not saying the wrong thing. They are scared of saying something wrong and then ruining sex forever. For me, the hottest times that I’ve been with a guy is when he has kept it really simple.”
For example, Tyler likes it when guys compliment her body, or tell her how her body feels with theirs. “Tell me what you enjoy, or what you would enjoy more of. Being descriptive in the moment keeps them from overdoing it.”
Figure Out the Fantasy
For those of you who are ready for Dirty Talk: Advanced, porn star Kendra Sunderland thinks entering Fantasyland is a great way to up the ante. Bringing fantasies into the bedroom and sharing them together creates a sense of intimacy and a different type of security that will open the door to more adventurous sex.
“I like being told that I’m being a dirty girl or a slut,” says Sunderland. “You need to communicate and find out what your partner’s fantasies are. It’s a great way to ease into dirty talk.” To be clear, however, this is Sunderland’s own specific fantasy. Every woman’s fantasy is different, so you’d need to find out what your partner’s is, instead of assuming what she wants to hear.
It’s also a good idea to try and coach your partner through dirty talk, especially if they are new to it. “A guy can make his partner more comfortable by being assertive, as well as giving compliments. It’s basically coaching her into it and then telling her how he likes it,” says porn star Alana Luv. “Ask your partner to tell you what she’s going through and what she wants you to do to her. Coach her into it.”
Ease into it
Just talking about talking dirty is often enough to get someone raring to go. Still, as with anything sexual, warming up is a huge part of the experience. And the more verbal foreplay you have, the better the build-up, and the better the release.
“Try saying one or two things while you’re hooking up and see how she responds,” says Sunderland. “You can take it from there. If you’re going down on her, ease into it by asking her how she likes it. Have her be vocal about things that she likes. Maybe don’t immediately start calling her a slut, but try something tame that you can start with.”
Establish Key Words
For beginners just starting out, consider having a few keywords in your dictionary to always return to if you feel like you’re rambling, or don’t know what to say. Finding out what keywords or mental images turn you on can be a great way to keep the dialogue engaging.
“Try things like, ‘You like that, baby?’ or ‘Does that make you hot?’” offers porn star Vicki Chase. “Feel free to use all those naughty words that we don’t usually use. The bedroom should be a safe zone. You have to feel comfortable with your partner and once you do you can keep practicing and building.”
If you and your partner are both comfortable with it, sometimes watching porn together can be a great way to set the mood and provide an understanding to what exactly will work verbally. For example, if there’s a porn star you like who uses language you’re into, you can watch it with your girlfriend and mention to her how much that kind of talk turns you on. Ask her if she’d be interested in trying it. That way she can listen to specific examples that you like so she can have a basic template of where to start. Find a porn that is up your alley and suggest you and your partner watch it together.
Practice Makes Perfect
It might seem incredibly dumb and uncomfortable to practice talking dirty to yourself in the mirror, but if you’re at all nervous about stepping up to the mic in bed, this can be incredibly useful. The more you practice doing or saying something, the more normalized it becomes and the less nervous you’ll be in the moment. Yes, this is even true when it comes to talking about your [blank] [blank] inside her [blank] [blank], or even her [blanking] [blank] [blank], if you think you can handle it.
“A major problem that guys have is that they are afraid of saying things themselves or of sounding stupid, so practicing on your own is a really good idea,” says Sunderland. “Practicing anything makes perfect. It might seem silly, but if you need help getting the words out, this will give you more confidence.”
Give Positive Reinforcements
If your partner is more vanilla in the bedroom, but she’s willing to try this out with you, you want to make sure she feels comfortable and safe. The last thing you want to do is to make her feel more self-conscious. So if she’s willing to go the distance and take herself outside her comfort zone to make sure you reach yours, she’s a pretty great woman and you want her to feel great about herself.
“What makes me open up the most is getting positive affirmation and the feeling like I’m doing a good job,” says Sunderland. “If you want to ease your partner into it, you can come up with questions to ask her. If she likes doing that it will get her talking on her own and soon she’ll take control of the show.”
“It’s so important to make your partner feel secure,” adds Luv. “Give her a lot of compliments. Tell her she’s so sexy. From there it will only get hotter. Ask her if she’s going to come. Moan loudly. Both parties will love it. If she feels secure with you and safe with you, you are going to turn the shy girl into the loud girl.”
By Meagan Drillinger