It may seem an obvious notion to grasp, but many couples are still caught in the treacherous web of dating versus mating. The truth of the matter is, unless both parties in a relationship leap off the same pad, they are likely to experience tears at the end of the jump.

So consider: Are you dating while your main squeeze is mating? Distinguishing between the two and getting some real answers to this big question could help save some heartache, according to relationships expert Pat Love.

The bottom line is this: the disparities between being in mating and dating modes within a single relationship are often the causes for break-ups and tiffs. “It’s really important to be clear in your own minds what your purpose is,” says Love. “The problem is if you go right into mating behaviour, you could be intimate with somebody who isn’t very compatible with you.”

Here are some dating versus mating signposts.

1. Stay Exclusive
If you’re already mated and find yourself experiencing chemistry with another woman, don’t cross the line and make an overture. “It doesn’t mean you can’t be attracted to another person… it’s just that you don’t act on it,” Love warns. “It’s when two people start playing by different rules that the little issues become big issues.”

Tip-Off: Pat Love says: “If you’re mating or mated with someone, you should act the same when you’re with that person and when you’re not.”

2. Sex Sense
“Guys often expect to be sexual when they are only dating,” Love notes. “This brings up the big issues of accountability and responsibility. Most women get very bonded when it comes to sex – it affects women more than it affects men. A guy might claim he told his girlfriend they were only dating and he can have intimate relations, but getting bonded does not affect him the same way it does the woman.”

Tip-Off: Pat Love says: “What are your core values? Are you living in line with them? Be true to yourself – not just your carnal self, but the man you want to be.”

3. Great Expectations
As we’ve learned, dating and mating expectations are really different. “‘Where were you on Thursday night?’ is not the sort of question you’d ask when you’re casually dating someone – but it is a question to ask if you’re mating,” notes Love. “If we were mating, something like that would not be seen as controlling – it would be seen as affectionate and committed.”

Tip-Off: Pat Love says: “Don’t assume you’re mating unless you’re absolutely sure, because that’s one sure way of getting your heart broken.”

4. Rejection Blues
The reason you got hurt and took it personally (when someone you were dating did not like you back) is because you got in too deep, too soon. You were mating instead of dating, says Love. So remember the cardinal rule: if you’re dating someone, try to keep yourself in check. Get to know people a little at a time and banish that Hollywood notion of falling in love.

Tip-Off: Pat Love says: “We’re all going to get rejected at some point – there’s nobody who hasn’t. The good news is that you’ll learn to pick yourself up faster. You’re going to be on both sides of the equation.”

From Dec 2008 issue of Men's Health Singapore    

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