The bedroom is a highly precarious place. One wrong move, and your night could end in a state of flaccid embarrassment, instead of rock-solid ecstasy. A million and one things can go wrong, and it can start with something as innocent and innocuous as a bra.
Ladies, don’t get me wrong. I know you love sexy lingerie – and so do men. But if you want to give your man a Christmas surprise he’ll never forget (for the right reasons) this year, please stick to stuff that doesn’t require him to consult a how-to manual.
You have no idea how stressful it can be to have problems undressing you in the heat of things. I know, because it happened to me once, when my partner had on the worst boob brace ever. The clasp was not at the back or the front; it was at the side.
There we were, tearing each other’s clothes off, our lips locked; and there I was clumsily running my fingers around the edges of her bra like a pimply schoolboy amateur, searching for the dang clasp. Finally, she stopped and undid her bra herself as she gave me a smile that said: “You’re not very good at this, are you?”
Whoever designed that bra couldn’t have factored in heat-of-the-moment moments. I mean, nobody places a bra clasp below the armpit. It’s either on the front or at the back, like skirt zips are either at the back or the side. (Ed: Not necessarily.) That’s just the natural order of women’s things.
Another big risk on one-night stands is the unexpected – with huge “fall-flat-on-your-face” factor potential – that inevitably ends in the “walk of shame”. (Meaning, being spotted leaving the scene by flatmates, friends, neighbours who put two and two together and get 10.)
Actually, that term baffles me. The guy obviously scored, so why the shame, unless he realises those buckteeth he found cute the night before were actually her loose dentures, or that there is another reason why her voice is so rough?
Anyway, I digress. I’ve had walks of my own in the past, but they involved parents – sneaking out of the girl’s house before they woke up, or somehow trying to avoid them when they were home.
One brush I will never forget was the time I drove a girlfriend home after drinks at a club, and we started getting it on almost on her doorstep. We were in the corridor, and she suggested sneaking into her room. Hot! But as I treaded quietly – and excitedly – in the darkened hall towards her room, her mum walked into the living room. All thoughts of heavy action went out the window as quickly as I had to disappear out the door.
One thing I’ve learnt to like are girls who know what to do with their mouths. No, not just blowing the trumpet well, but knowing when to stop talking and get down to it. A little tease is fine, but when you ask “Do you want it?” for the 10th time, it makes us want to roll our eyes.
I’ve had girlfriends stalling and yakking away right before oral sex. You know what that feels like? Like a two-year-old being led to Hershey’s, only to be given a 10-minute lecture on the alphabet system right at the entrance to paradise.
On the other end of the scale, there are those who don’t say a word or make a sound. It’s like sex with the mute button on. While I think women shouldn’t gab on during sex, men like them to make appropriate noises. Keyword: APPROPRIATE.
There’s no need to wake up the entire block with an orgasmic opera that makes them think you’re being murdered, nor is there a need for expletives and vulgarities that would put a Geylang coffee shop clientele to shame.
On that note, I admit men, too, need to watch what comes out of their mouths. I have an ex-colleague who was deeply troubled when her partner said “Shiok ah!” after climaxing. Not the sexiest or most flattering of remarks, even if that’s what he felt at the time.
So, ladies, if you’re planning to do some serious merrymaking this festive season, make your bedroom safe for guys. Start by reviewing your bras. You don’t want to wait the 12 days of Christmas before your man finally gets you nude.