Stop Being Mr. Average

The average man does okay with the ladies. But with our guide, you can outperform his stats every time.

Last longer in bed

Good things come to those who wait… unfortunately, there's a 33 per cent chance the average bloke will shoot before she scores.

If you’re losing control, think of Masters and Johnson. “These two renowned sex therapists  broke down sexual response into four phases: excitement, plateau, orgasm and resolution,” says Dr Ian Kerner, author of She Comes First. “Most men crash through plateau straight to orgasm, but the trick is identifying your point of no return.” Which sounds harder than remembering the top 20 Premiership scorers.

“Rate your excitement from one to 10,” says Kerner, referring to sex rather than Cristiano Ronaldo’s step-overs. “Keep yourself at seven by slowing thrusts and getting her on top, so you’re less stimulated. If you’re edging eight, squeeze below the head of your penis. This represses the ejaculatory response.” Just like meeting your mother-in-law, but less embarrassing at this juncture.

Pick up women better

The average man will have seven one-night stands in his lifetime. And you all seem to be sharing the same few floozies, too, since 90 per cent of women consider them immoral. How do you outperform this?

Pick a scantily dressed target. The trusty “the less she puts on, the more she puts out” equation has hard science behind it. University of California researchers found that when women are ovulating, they flash more flesh to attract a mate. “She won’t realise this subconscious desire to secure your swimmers, but she will be hornier,” says Siski Green, author of How to Blow Her Mind in Bed.

And make yourself heaven-scent. Research in the journal Human Reproduction found women’s sense of smell is most sensitive when they’re at their most fertile, so take advantage with citrus aftershave. Northwestern University researchers in the US found citrus smells increased your “likeability”. Try Lacoste Pour Homme ($82 for 50ml, Lacoste, #01-163 Suntec City Mall).

Have more sex, more often

The average guy spends 75 hours a month thinking about sex. This is in stark contrast to the 4.5 hours he actually spends doing it – and he’s not happy. The Durex sex survey has found only 33 per cent of men are satisfied with how often they have sex, and only 38 per cent reckon it’s worth the wait. Hardly worth taking your socks off, really.

No need to cash your bonds and  head for Bangkok. The sure-fire route to more action is giving her more, bigger orgasms. “The anticipation of peel-me-off-the-ceiling orgasms spikes her sex drive,” says Dr Yvonne Fulbright, author of Touch Me There.

“See the Missionary as a sexual hors d’oeuvre,” says Dorian Solot, co-author of I Love Female Orgasm. “Then lie on your side with her on her back at 90 degrees and get her to swing both legs over your hips. The shallow thrusts will stimulate her G-spot and provides easy access for stroking her clitoris.” 

Next: Mr Average has a 20 per cent chance of scoring first-date sex. Improve your odds.

Snag your co-worker

There's a 53 per cent chance that Mr Average is eyeing a colleague. “Work relationships can have benefits,” says Judi James, author of Sex at WorkA Survival Guide. “You understand her motivation and stresses, but most importantly, you can properly check her out before hooking up.” And there’s a one-in-four chance she’ll stay after hours, too.

“Take advantage of the close proximity over a long period,” says Kate Taylor, author of Not Tonight Mr Right. “There’s less pressure than in a bar, where you can blow it in seconds,” says Taylor, who’s obviously heard the famous Aristocrats joke.

“Start laying your foundations,” says Julianne Balmain, author of Office Kama Sutra. “Share credit projects and be openly supportive in meetings. She’ll start  subconsciously viewing you as a protector and potential partner. Swing by her desk often; it makes it easier to go from ‘I’m bored of these reports’ to ‘fancy a beer?’ ” Don’t offer booze before lunch, though.

Score on the first date

Only one in five guys will make it to the home plate on their first date. You could drop into the post-dinner chat that first-date sex is more, not less, likely to ensure a long-term relationship. “Orgasm releases the hormones oxytocin and vasopressin, which are associated with the build-up of commitment, bonding and trust,” says Dr Barry Gibb, author of The Rough Guide to the Brain. No pressure, then.

“Women are programmed by society against having first-date sex,” says Green. “So the key is making it as un-date-like as possible. Take her out, during the day, to a gallery, a museum, the zoo.” Yep, that means you’ll be without your beer crutch. But try and keep the talk smooth.

“Focus the conversation on her,” says Dr Dennis Neder, author of Being a Man in a Woman’s World. “Go deeper than her job and ask about her earliest memories – make her feel like the two of you have a connection, that you’re less like two strangers.” Just don’t ask her how she likes her eggs in the morning.

Grow bigger without pills

Best things in small packages? Research at the Royal Hallamshire found over 50 per cent of men with normal-sized tackle mistakenly considered themselves “too small”. Ms Average begs to differ: 85 per cent of women are happy with their partner’s size. The average penis size, if you want to compare, is 14.7cm in length with a girth of 12.5cm.

"Pills in your inbox promising inches on your lunch box won’t work,” says Dr Frank Chinegwundoh, a urological surgeon. “You only get dramatic results with surgery, but it’s complex, risky and I wouldn’t recommend it.” There are, however, ways you can secure a small increase. First, ditch the smokes.

Despite his lengthy lasso, the Marlboro Man probably wasn’t hung like a horse. University of California research found smokers’ penises were on average up to 2.5 cm shorter than non-smokers’. They reckon smoking makes penile tissues less elastic, so they can’t reach full stretch.

“Developing your pubococcygeus muscles can also increase girth a fraction of an inch,” says sexual therapist Alex Robboy. To fi nd these muscles, try and stop peeing mid-flow and feel where you tense. For best results, squeeze and hold the muscles for a count of 10, 20 times a day.

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