Serve To Be Served

By Faye Mui

The man shuffles the kitchen, bleary-eyed and still in a daze over the early morning soccer match just hours ago. He slumps into his chair, and in front of him appears a hot cup of coffee, crisp toast and the papers. He sobers up over the headlines, slurps up the caffeine and scatters crumbs as he chomps on the toast. He then gets up and  leaves without a word. The woman enters to tidy up.

A scene from the 1960s? More like something out of every other kitchen today. The man is my grandfather, my dad, my uncle, my brother, my brother-in-law, my male boss, my guy buddies. The woman is my grandmother, my mum, my aunts, my sister, my girl chums, me.

Whether we admit it, ours is a culture where the men sit back to be served and the women, willingly and perhaps even unconsciously, serve. This caused me much grief in my growing-up days because I resented having to do the chores while my brother hogged the TV and snorted at Just For Laughs. I blamed my mother for having a “son syndrome” – my snooty way of decrying favouritism.

Decades on, even as the younger generation strives to live up to the modern ethos of sexual equality, the idea that women should serve men is still manifested in various degrees of servitude. The fact remains that the scale stays tipped.

But rather than bemoan how feminism hasn’t quite progressed much in the last 50 years, I actually think women these days don’t want to proclaim: “I am woman, hear me roar.” It’s a known fact that we do and can often bellow louder than the men. In fact, we took the roaring so seriously, we ended up becoming real spitfires. The damage is going to take ages to fix and I think women are starting to realise that. Which is why things are taking an about-turn, and females are embracing true femininity and returning to their rightful role as the gentler, weaker sex.

Don’t get me wrong – I didn’t receive years of education only to hold Neanderthal views about women clubbed into subservience by men. In my younger, foolish days, I was deluded enough to think that modern women didn’t need men and wrote countless columns about Superwoman running her own company, earning her own keep and changing her own flat tyres.

Looking back now, I think that was just pure bravado. I’m still slogging for columns – not my own company – and wishing I could be a tai-tai. I call AA for car issues and fix  my lights in threes so if one goes wonky, I have two others for backup.

My point is, I’m now enlightened about how both sexes have different, yet mutual serving roles cut out for them. And if anyone should have any expectations, it is of oneself to serve the other, not vice versa. It’s high time for us all to get with the programme and chip in where we naturally should.

Mop and clean? No problem, if you would move the shoe cabinet so I can get to the crevices behind. Cook and do the dishes? Sure, as long as you fix the choked plumbing below the sink. Sew and stitch? Happy to if you don’t decorate the house with your dirty laundry, but dump it in the washer instead. Pour in the washing powder and turn on the switch while you’re at it, honey.

See, if we don’t expect the other to serve us (yes darling, that means no daily hand-fed grapes like you’re an emperor), then there would really be no issue at all. It is not so much about measuring and dividing the tasks equally as it is about doing what we were made for. Men can be macho and pull their weight around the house in a rightfully respectful manner, and women can serve as helpers physically, emotionally and financially. Because give it another 50, heck, 5,000 years, we will never truly be equals. And the sooner we acknowledge this, the less need we will have for therapy.  

Tags: Sex Relationships, Her Say, couples, marriage, partners, Dating, Relationship, Sex,

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