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Renew Your Relationship

About 30 per cent of the 24,596 marriages registered here in 2008 ended in divorce. If you feel your relationship may be in peril, try this strategy: Make it feel like the first time. 64 per cent of couples who were on the verge of a break-up, but who stuck to their marriages, found their way back to conjugal happiness within a few years, according to an Institute for American Values study.

The route to marital happiness may not be as hard to find as you think, but you first have to identify why your relationship is off-course. Experts reveal which types of strains challenge couples the most, and how you can make happily ever after last.

MARRIAGE STRESSOR: Your nerves are frayed

In times of stress, we look to our relationships to help us  through. But while singles start new relationships in such instances, people who are already coupled up may find that stress damages their couplehood, says Gian Gonzaga, PhD, an affiliate faculty member at UCLA. Stress eats away at your self-control and  weakens the resources that usually stop you from, say, dropping sarcastic wisecracks about your spouse. “If you’ve been implementing much self-control in other domains, you’ll have less left over for your relationship,” says Eli Finkel, PhD, a professor of psychology at Northwestern University in the US. So, after spending a day at the office  trying not to say or do anything that will cost you your job, you may not have the resources left to handle even the smallest argument with your wife.

YOUR FIX: Eat late

When partners with good relationship skills are under extreme work stress, they have trouble using their communication and relationship tools, says Lisa Neff, PhD, an assistant professor of human development and family studies at the University of Texas at Austin. She recommends taking time to unwind after you arrive home by doing what  you want to do, instead of diving right into dinner. If you tell your wife that dinner conversation is much more enjoyable after you’ve shed the day’s stress by tinkering with the computer, she’ll be more likely to understand where you’re coming from, Neff says.

Clinical sexologist and Men’s Health advisory board member Dr Martha Lee recommends the act of “compartmentalising” your life to break away from work stress. “This refers to the ability to consciously separate specific aspects of your life from others,  in order to not dwell on bad feelings,” she says. “Write down everything  you have to do at work the next day, and think of it as a temporary pause while you deal with other matters. The whole point is it will allow you to do other things without managing the stress of your bigger problem at the same time.”

MARRIAGE STRESSOR: You’re misreading each other

When squabbles break out, partners tend to see each other’s negativity or hostility as an innate quality (“she’s just mean” or “he’s so stubborn”) instead of by-products of the current tension, Neff says. “In the heat of an argument, people often blame their mates for negative behaviours, and that pattern tends to build on itself over time.”

YOUR FIX: Stop dreaming about alternatives

If you’re always wondering just how much  happier you’d be with a wife who “didn’t act like that” or who really understood you, stop focusing on alternatives. “Constantly visualising ideal spouses makes you less happy because it creates more potential for unproductive desire or regret,” says marriage therapist Joshua Coleman, PhD, author of The Marriage Makeover.

While occasional communication about the issues that bother you is important, Coleman recommends frequently communicating to her what you think is great about her, rather than constantly trying to smooth out the stuff that annoys you. “There is no one perfect person – we are all works in progress. So focus on the positives,” says Dr Lee. Tell her, for instance, that she did a great job redecorating the living room instead of saying: “That turned out well.” That way, she’ll know it’s her you’re impressed with, not chance.

MARRIAGE STRESSOR: She wants sex more than you do

If marital tension has stalled your sex drive while hers remains revved up (yes, guys, it  can happen), that’s a problem. In a 2008 survey of 1,000 women, Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, director of the Divorce Busting Center and author of The Sex- Starved Wife, found that two-thirds of women said they wanted sex as much as – or more than – their husbands. “The person with the lower libido generally controls the frequency of sex,”  notes Weiner-Davis. So if your partner is the one left wanting, she’ll probably be even more frustrated, making your life miserable in return.

YOUR FIX: Give her a massage or a back rub

When Julianne Holt- Lunstad, PhD, a professor  of psychology at Brigham Young University in the US, asked married couples to spend three days a week touching non-sexually for half an hour (with back rubs, for instance), the couples’ levels of the stress hormone amylase decreased, and the men’s blood  pressure dropped.

So, even if you’re not in the mood for sex, some physical contact can help reduce your stress and improve the way you feel about each other. “Touch releases oxytocin, the ‘cuddle chemical’,” says Dr Lee. “So, experiment with stroking and massages to reduce stress and increase intimacy.” The best part? “This may lead to more sex.”

MARRIAGE STRESSOR: You’re ignoring the little things

Sacrificing for her can lower break-up rates, according to research by Scott Stanley, PhD, co-director of the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies. “Show her you’re committed and that you care about her by putting the relationship – and not yourself – first.” The good news is that when you sacrifice, the effort stands out. “It’s not necessarily expected, but it’s clear what you did for her,” Stanley says.

YOUR FIX: Know what she likes and make a schedule to do it

Write down a few things you know your partner likes, and set a reminder on your  smartphone to do one of those things each week. If, on the other hand, you think you’re the one who’s sacrificing more, analyse the situation. “Your partner may actually be sacrificing a lot for you, but it’s not in the channel you’re responding to,” Stanley says. What evidence is there that she’s thinking of you when you’re not around? Is the fridge always stocked with your favourite beer? Did she let you change plans when your friend unexpectedly had a night free? If yes, then thank her. She’ll be happy to hear it.

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