You may be screwing up in the bedroom without even realising you've made a mistake. Here are six common bedroom blunders that guys make and how sex author Sarah Miller recommends you can recover those lost nookie points.
DO NOT: Ask: “What do you like?”
Asking this question the first time we have sex is like your mum walking into the room – the magic’s gone. First, I’m embarrassed. I may have been ready to have sex, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m up for talking about it. Second, I feel under pressure to provide a provocative answer, something involving a milkmaid’s outfit, perhaps. But the only thing I can think of is: “Well, I suppose I like manual and oral stimulation, followed by intercourse, resulting in my eventual orgasm.” If you’re trying to sound wild and open to anything, bear in mind that I’ll discover that soon enough.
DO: Ask questions later.
Once you’ve had time to get comfortable with each other, start with the basics like her preferred positions, angles of penetration and postcoital breakfast cereals. When you feel secure enough, start gently probing for her fantasies.
DO NOT: Shave your family jewels
Having sex with a man who has done so is like riding a horse with a saddle made of broken glass. If you’re going to shave, you’ll have to do it regularly – say, every half hour.
DO: Embrace your hairiness.
You’re male. You’re hirsute. No one blames you.
DO NOT: Keep on sticking your tongue in my ear
The innocent ear is (a) a discreet spot, (b) a hole and (c) an organ with lots of folds. For these reasons, it has been wrongly defined by some as a major erogenous zone. And this has led to many men thinking that our ears are the fragrant soil of some exotic European forest, and they are expert truffle hounds, rooting for treasure. The results are usually about as sexy as a smelly gym bag.
DO: Tread lightly.
I’m not saying never go for the ear – just not every time. And kiss or lick lightly. Then leave it. It’s an ear. Clinical sexologist and Men’s Health Advisory Board member Martha Lee offers some additional words of warning: “Don’t stick your tongue into her ear canal, unless you know for sure that this turns her on. Generally, a tongue bath, especially in the ear canal, grosses out most girls.”
DO NOT: Try to stuff your semi-hard penis inside me
I understand. You’re hoping it’ll get harder once it’s in. Or you’re thinking that if you act like everything’s fine, then everything will be fine. Or maybe you’re treating your stubborn appendage like a teenager, showing him who’s the boss and sending him to his room. The only thing more humiliating than stuffing a flaccid penis inside a woman is being stuffed by a flaccid penis. In this one disastrous act, we can feel all your fear, desperation and insecurity concentrated in the precise place where you want us to feel exactly the opposite.
DO: Anything but that.
Kiss. Watch Just For Laughs. Anything. Unless it’s a recurring problem requiring medical or psychiatric attention, it’s not a big deal. Honestly.
DO NOT: Have a nervous breakdown about coming too fast, or not getting it up
An occasionally temperamental penis is no cause for alarm, but a man who freaks out about it is. If you make a big deal of it, we’ll start to think that maybe it really is a big deal. Conversely, it’s no good trying to act as if nothing happened, because we both know that it did.
DO: Acknowledge it, then laugh it off.
A man who can say “Wow, I usually can’t manage it in under 10 seconds, so that was a record” or “Well, it looks like those anti-erection pills work after all” is the kind of man who makes us want to try again.
DO NOT: Reach for my clitoris if you are in a position that is unsuitable for such a connection
Like when I’m clearly enjoying whatever we’re doing. Or if doing so would require a circusworthy feat of bodily contortion. Such persistence is not admirable; it’s annoying. It’s good that you know clitoral stimulation is important. Now you need to understand that if it’s not done right – the correct angle and pressure – then it doesn’t feel good and may even hurt.
Unlike general questions of sexual preference, it’s never too early (or too late) to ask for guidance on questions of manual stimulation. Take her hand and let her guide you, then follow the motion of her digits. In certain positions, a woman just doesn’t want stimulation there, or possibly prefers to do it herself.
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