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Is there a way to discern a woman's wants and needs, likes and dislikes with nary a word? It would be like donning x-ray specs for a look at her horny soul. The secret is nonverbal communication and more than just body language, researchers have identified a slew of indicators that can signal what a person is thinking.
Dana Carney, Ph.D., is a postdoctoral fellow in the department of psychology at Harvard. She is a renowned expert in the fields of social perception, social neuroscience, and nonverbal communication. Her lesson is that a man should communicate the following: I'm here, I'm male, and I won't hurt you. Unfortunately for us, it's a little more complicated than storming into a bar blasting an air horn and wearing nothing but a Lilith Fair shirt.
"According to evolutionary scientists like David Buss, women want men who express alpha status," says Carney, simultaneously enlightening me and dashing my hopes forever. "Research indicates that perceived dominance is expressed through using a loud voice, speaking a lot, making eye contact, touching, taking up lots of space, and successfully interrupting others."
The good news is, as she continues, "Women are also attuned to a man's intelligence, which indicates potential resource stability. This can be expressed through being engaged when another person is talking, nodding one's head, and making 'back-channel' comments like 'Ah, I see,' 'Yeah,' and 'Oh.' Engagement is also expressed by making lots of eye contact and asking questions."
How do you tell if a woman's interested? Carney explains, "There are 'immediacy behaviors' that are predictive of affiliation, intimacy, and interest. They include (1) gazing in your general direction, (2) making mutual eye contact, (3) smiling, and (4) establishing closer physical proximity. You also want to pay close attention to her baseline demeanor - that is to say, notice whether you see a change in her behavior when she becomes aware of you. Deviation from her baseline plus one or more of items 1 through 4, and you're in good shape."
How does her theory hold up in practice?
THE BOOKSTORE
Some of my female friends suggested that a bookstore was a place where men and women are constantly throwing out the vibe. My esteemed Ph.D. wingwoman concurs.
"I've always thought bookstore cafés are interesting," says Carney. "There seems to be a lot more going on in this situation than people reading books and drinking coffee. I mean, look at all the preening and primping going on here among the females; they seem very aware and self-conscious. This can give us a lot of information about whether or not they're open to being approached."
The approach
I saunter over to a woman in her mid-20s who is both attractive and more concerned with fixing her hair and furtively looking around than with the tome she's idly flicking through. "That looks like a fun read," I say with an awkward grin. She presses her lips together in a contemptuous smile. Silence. "But when it comes to tyrannical despots, you really can't beat Stalin, for my money."
She laughs at my joke quite loudly, cutting the tension, though I notice that her shoulder is positioned so that she's showing her back to me a little. The torso unwittingly orients toward people we like, admire, or agree with, and angles away from those we dislike or disagree with. Richard Nixon was often pictured rotating his torso 90 degrees from his advisors (0 degrees meaning completely facing and 180 meaning turning one's back completely). With her body at about 110 degrees, she resumes reading the jacket cover.
"I'm more of a creative-nonfiction fan myself," I offer, to keep some momentum going. I reach out for the nearest book of that sort. "I can totally recommend this one." She nods her head but keeps her eyes fixed on Mao. Silence.
I start to slink off but she resuscitates the exchange. "Have you read Running with Scissors? It's good," she says, then turns back to her book. "Okay, I'll check it out," I say, and again begin to retreat. I make it a few steps before she calls out, "It's by Augusten Burroughs. It's over there." As she says the words "over there," she motions over her shoulder with her thumb in a hit-the-road-Jack–type way that makes me think she's had enough of me.
The verdict
"There was some hair fixing, and I noticed that she really laughed at what you said. But she was talking to you over her shoulder, and eye contact was fleeting, so there were conflicting signals. She didn't seem to make an effort to close the distance between you, but she did seem somewhat interested. Both times you began to walk away, she started up the conversation again. After you walked away the second time, she turned to see if you were looking, then immediately started reading the back of the book you pointed out to her."
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Keep The Faith Trust takes time to be earned, established and nurtured but it can disappear with one wrong decision. Our guest columnist, Faye Mui, explains why it matters so much to women and why it isn't that hard to develop.
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Is there a way to discern a woman's wants and needs, likes and dislikes with nary a word? It would be like donning x-ray specs for a look at her horny soul. The secret is nonverbal communication and more than just body language, researchers have identified a slew of indicators that can signal what a person is thinking.
