Lust may be a common trait between both sexes, but the desire manifests itself rather differently. While sex is frequently the only thing on a man’s mind – from the moment he sets his eyes on a beautiful woman – she, on the other hand, will pick and choose a partner that possesses a specific set of characteristics that will ignite her flames.
After all, lust, says Richard Dawkins, professor of animal behaviour at Oxford University and author of The Selfish Gene, is an essential evolutionary trait in humans that ensures the survival of our species. To guarantee that you’ll be the hottest object of her desire, we speak to sex and relationship experts at the front lines – to give you inside tips to better understand the female psyche and what makes her tick.
Look And Stay Fresh And Clean
You don’t need to look like George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven, but she will appreciate a man who dresses well and takes pride in his physique. Women see this as an indicator of being attentive to details – and that may translate into being attentive to their needs (provided the guy isn’t a narcissist), says Gordon Patzer, PhD, author of Looks: Why They Matter More Than You Ever Imagined. “Of course she wants to be attracted to you. But if her pals lust over you, it boosts her ego,” he adds. So before you get down and dirty, think clean – your clothes, body and scent.
Make Her Laugh
Besides your looks, your personality and chemistry are traits that will help her form an opinion of you – either as a sex god or a total buffoon. “Laughter, in some ways, is like an orgasm,” says Janice Levine, PhD, a US-based psychologist and the co-author of Why Do Fools Fall In Love? But unlike men, who generally appreciate witty oneliners or sarcastic rants, women find men who tell self-reflective, humourous stories more engaging. “Men tell jokes to compete and impress, while women tell anecdotes to share and bond,” says says Don Nilsen, PhD, co-founder of the International Society for Humor Studies in the US. So, share funny stories – preferably about yourself, as it shows you’re actually confident enough to laugh at yourself – with her, and you may be the one laughing all the way to her bed, Nilsen adds.
Pay Attention To Her Needs
That’s right – to her every desire, both in and out of bed. This will move your “hot” quotient into the scorching range. “It’s a barometer of character; it makes a man seem very sweet if he’s attentive,” says Dr Martha Lee, a Men’s Health advisory board member and sexologist. “Moreover, in bed, some men touch a woman hesitantly and wait to see what she does. That’s not very sexy.” Be confident, not aggressive. Make your moves without apology, but watch and listen to gauge what she likes. Or just ask!
Go Down On Her
“If it’s a choice between a man who gives flowers and one who enjoys giving good oral, most women would take the oral. And it’s free,” says Gabrielle Union, the sassy African-American actress who starred opposite Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys II.
“It will be a big difference to her whether you’re awesome or awful at oral sex,” says Dr Lee. “But your saving grace: She will be forgiving if you at least try. There’s nothing more disappointing than a man who doesn’t try. Women can tell,” she adds. “Women compare notes with their female friends on how involved he was during oral sex. Far too often, men tend to focus only on intercourse,” says US-based sex therapist Sandor Gardos, PhD. But a 2006 Australian study found that far more women are able to reach orgasm through oral sex than through intercourse alone.
Turn Sex Into More Than Just A Physical Activity
And if sex with her were a journey (and not just a destination) you’d never want her to forget, learn from the Indians. Tantric sex emphasises that sexual pleasure is linked to the gradual process of seduction, which includes courtship, touching and kissing, says Sanjay Srivastava, PhD, author of Passionate Modernity.
Showing her that you’re with her every step of the way – mentally, emotionally and physically – would heighten her pleasure and climax for both of you. Practise a technique called karezza, in which the man remains inside the woman for at least 10 minutes, moving only when necessary to maintain an erection. Penetrate her slowly and gently, match your breathing with hers, and maintain eye contact to focus on the emotional connection.
Call this the “Anti-gift Guide” for Valentine’s Day. Unless you’re really twisted, or she has a great sense of humour, approach with extreme caution.
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