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There are some words thatshouldn’t exist in a man’s vocabulary. Think about it – when do you really ever need to spout terms like “fat”, “flabby” and “flat”?
Okay, maybe the last is appropriate when you’ve whispered enough sweet nothings for her to marry you and you’re both in the long queue for a love nest, but heaven forbid you should use “flat” to describe anything else about your woman (especially her hair or chest).
Certain other phrases about the way a woman looks should never be verbalised, not even if you mean it in good humour. Because there’s nothing funny about: “Did you sleep badly last night? You look like Kungfu Panda! Hur hur!” or “Hey, your thighs are twice the size of mine! Hur hur hur!”
If you still cannot fathom why that’s less than charming, here’s a top-to-toe guide of words and phrases never to say to a woman about her looks. It’s best that you commit them to memory.
1. Her Hair
Women are particularly touchy when it comes to their tresses – “so flat”, “so dry”, “so limp”, “like hay” and “lifeless” are big no-nos. They don’t refer to it as “crowning glory” for nothing, so if you think it looks anything less than glorious, just shuddup. Good phrases to pick up: “Luscious!”, “Shiny, sexy curls” or “This colour/cut really suits you”. By the way, all things are not equal in the hirsute pursuit, so never say, “Baby, you’ve got thick, hairy arms.”
2. Her Eyes
Don’t describe them as “slitty”, “droopy” or “soulless”. Be a sweetheart and tell her how much you love those “bright”, “sparkly”, “dreamy”, “electrifying” or “lively” peepers. And if your girl takes pains to colour-in eye shadow, stick on falsies (that’s eyelashes) and paint on eyeliner, don’t put her in the same league as “Chinese opera singers”. You can soften the approach and say you like her for her natural beauty (and brace yourself when she takes it – the makeup, that is – all off). 3. Her Chest
It doesn’t take a genius to figure out “runway” and similar terms should be avoided. And as much as you think it’s a hoot to compare her boobs to your favourite fruits because “juicy” comes to mind, it doesn’t rock her world. Peaches? You’re implying they’re too small. Papaya? You think they’re long and saggy. How would you fancy it if she likened your willie to tasty grub like a cocktail sausage? Or a French fry? We’re as sensitive about our boobs as you are about your willie, so it’s best not to say anything and put your appreciation into action in the bedroom.
4. Her Tummy
Resist staring at her tummy and asking: “How far along are you?” even if it’s an honest burning question. “Love handles” and “fluffy pillow” are also not as endearing as you think – in fact, they’re sublime, mind-screwing taunts to us. As a rule of thumb, never pass any comment about a woman’s abs (or lack thereof) unless it’s “taut” and “toned”.
5. Her Thighs
The choice of adjectives here is crucial. Use “sculpted” and “shapely” instead of “bulky” and “chunky”, “soft” and “supple” in place of “flabby”. Don’t even mention “thunderous” or you’re really asking for it.
6. Her Toes
One male friend was too quick to quip that his wife’s toes looked like “mangled roots” and had to endure nights on the couch. Many women take pride in their digits, if you’ll notice the frequency with which they change their nail art and colours. Even if it’s beyond your comprehension, do try to show some appreciation for their efforts to look groomed. The reason why those toes look twisted is because they stuff their feet into ridiculously sexy but unwearable shoes just to look good in front of you. 7. Her Overall Apperance
Other boo-boos made about the way she looks include describing her as “pasty” when she spent her last dollar on whitening products in her bid to be a fair maiden. Or implying she’s overweight by telling her she needs to hit the gym. Or saying she’s “big-boned like Xena”. Surely even you know it’s a lost battle because nobody puts one over Xena (except maybe Hercules).