Don't Sleep With Her

Men should be friends with women even without the benefits. We need to expand the notion of what those benefits are. After all, inside information from your female friend can be put to good use. And that’s hardly the only perk of remaining platonic.

1. You’ll see things her way
That is, you’ll receive the female version of events. Over the years, I’ve commented on Leo’s encounters with women of all types. Sounds unpleasant? It’s not. “Men ask questions, and they get answers,” says Kathy Werking, PhD, author of We’re Just Good Friends: Women and Men in Non-romantic Relationships. “That’s good for them.”

2. You can emote fearlessly
Talking with a female friend means there’s usually no game to distract you, and little chance of embarrassment if you bring up hidden thoughts. We love that stuff. Share. Compare. “The literature is really clear on this: Women gain from male/female relationships, but in terms of intimacy, sharing, and communication, men gain so much more,” says sociology professor, Don O’Meara, who published a benchmark study on cross-gender friendship in the journal Sex Roles. “It’s to the man’s advantage.”

3. You’ll become a master listener
And women love that. You’ll experience intimacy without getting, you know, intimate. All her talking will train you in the invaluable art of listening, which – I can guarantee this – will work well towards coaxing the pants off some other woman in your future. Sure, there are obstacles to having a female friend. Turning a woman from, say, casual co-worker into after-hours confi dante can take time and effort – and often involves another sort of urge altogether. As Jeff, a close chum since our teenage years, explains: “You like her. She likes you. You get along great. You’re both unattached. So, why not take the next step?” How about because you can’t take it back. Or, because platonic love doesn’t always work in the bedroom. And why the hell didn’t Jeff kiss me when we were 15? “Men have a diffi cult time separating friendship from romance,” says Dr Werking. “They don’t get the subtleties of relationships. I hope this is changing.” (Dr Werking’s research shows that sex-free male/female friendships are more common among 20- year-olds than in older generations.)

4. Here’s what she says men can do
Think through your attraction. Is it physical? Intellectual? Emotional? All three? Might you actually love her (as a friend) rather than lust after her (as a sex partner)? Figure it out. You don’t want to hurt her, or be hurt unexpectedly.

5. Talk it out
That’s what this is all about, right? Learning to use your words, not your body? If you can’t move past your attraction –or you worry that she’s attracted – bring up the subject. But, be a good guy about it. That’s how friends behave. Dr Werking says: “I’ve interviewed a lot of people about their friendships that didn’t last, and the primary reason was that they didn’t deal with the romantic undertone. You just have to take a deep breath and broach the subject. You have to hit it head-on without worrying that it will ruin the relationship.”

Next: Don't complain about your partner to your female buddy. That's where trouble begins.

Tags: Sex Relationships, Couples, Her Say, Dating, Relationship, Sex,

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