All men know that foreplay is not optional, so most would try their best to fulfil what they think women expect. Trust me, women appreciate all the hard work. That is why they feel torn about telling you when you get it wrong! Read on for the five biggest misconceptions men have about foreplay – and how you can get it right, especially if you want her purring in the palm of your hands tonight.
Misconception 1: If there is "chemistry", sex should be effortless, so foreplay is not required
Largely because of pornography, men usually think that if there’s “chemistry”, they can dive straight into intercourse. Most film directors are men, so what you see in films reflect what pleases men, not what makes women happy.
Many people believe that “chemistry” or sexual urge is created by pheromones. But it’s inconclusive if they even exist, claims Dr Richard Doty, a US-based scientist. So, let’s not allow expectations from an illusive chemical to overshadow practical knowledge. Resist the urge to tear off her clothes; let her set the pace instead.
Misconception 2: Foreplay starts in bed, immediately before sex
Imagine this: You ignored her calls all day, came home reeking of alcohol, plopped yourself in front of the computer or television for hours, neglecting to make any conversation or eye contact with her, left her to do the dishes, then jump into bed without taking a shower and yell: “Honey, come to bed!” Do you think foreplay of any sort could fix all that? Not a chance!
“If a woman is distracted by anything – work, lack of sleep, chores, a fight she had with a friend – it can interfere with her arousal,” says US-based sexuality counsellor Beverly Whipple, PhD, a co-author of The G Spot and Other Discoveries About Human Sexuality.
“A woman will feel more connected to a man – and more ready for fantastic sex – if she sees he has a sensitive side as well as a hot and passionate one,” says Dr Pam Spurr, a sex expert and psychologist. Be helpful around the house and concerned about how her day went. Make lots of eye contact (above or below the neck, at appropriate times) and express appreciation by saying “thanks” more often. Send her naughty messages detailing what you’re planning on doing to her in bed. “You have to get her mind working on sex,” says Gloria Brame, PhD, a US-based sexologist.
Misconception 3: There is a minimum time expectation
Some men treat foreplay like something they simply need to get through to fulfil a minimum time expectation. “If you’re just going through the motions to get to the sex, she’ll notice, and it will take longer for her to get excited,” says Michael Perry, PhD, a US-based sex therapist.
Foreplay involves a gradual increase in sexual arousal and tension, but there is no hard and fast rule on how long it should last. The amount of time she would like to spend could vary according to her hormonal or energy levels, her personality, the atmosphere, other events during the day or even the weather. Whether she’s frisky enough for a “quickie” or longing for sex in slow motion, you’ll have to be attentive to sense what she wants. When in doubt, err on the
long side. “And unless you’re both in the mood for a quickie, a slow seduction is far more pleasurable to a woman,” says Spurr.
Misconception 4: Oral sex is foreplay
It’s called oral sex and not oral foreplay for a reason. She may not regard it as foreplay, especially if she’s the one performing it on you. Remember kissing and necking for hours in your school days? You should feel sorry if you have no such recollection. Kissing and necking may sound old school, but they work. There are more than a dozen ways you can touch a woman to turn her on without any genital contact.
One of them is stimulating her “lust lines” to boost her skin sensitivity. This, in turn, boosts the production of the hormone oxytocin, which helps build emotional bonds. One lust line runs from the earlobe down the side of the neck; another runs through the ring finger of the left hand, says Spurr. “When you gently stroke her earlobe and then plant little kisses on the back of her
neck, she gets tingles right down to her clitoris.” Gently stroke the left ring finger, then move your fingers to her palm and gently draw circles on it. “Her skin will be aroused and become sensitive to any other touch,” says Spurr.
Misconception 5: Foreplay is required only if you want sex
If you’re not planning on having sex that day, it doesn’t mean you should refrain from foreplay. Doing this only on days you want to have sex makes you too predictable – and boring. Nearly 80 per cent of married women described their sex lives as predictable, in a survey conducted by iVillage. These women surveyed found consistency in such factors as location, duration, time of day and foreplay. It’s no wonder two-thirds of the respondents said they would rather read a book than have sex!
“Give compliments in the moment, but also after the fact. And say them outside the bedroom, when there’s no chance or expectation of sex,” says columnist Emma Taylor of Emandlo.com. “Let her know you’re constantly lusting after her in a situation where neither of you can act on it,” says Tracey Cox, author of Supersex for Life. “Something like: ‘I kept sneaking a look at your picture on Facebook today – you’re so sexy!’”